Struggle

*I'm posting this without editing it - I am writing this on my break so I don't have time so you'll have to forgive me!


The last 6 months have been a struggle for me. 

At first I was struggling with what my blog was about and why the holy heck I was even blogging.  Was it to keep my 7 followers entertained? Was it to keep myself entertained? Other blogs are food blogs or art blogs, music blogs or religious blogs.  But, what is that I contribute? I still don't have the answer but I'm mightily sick of wallowing around in doubt.

And while I was lolling about and promising myself that I would "write a post tomorrow", I was also struggling with my Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Most of the posts that I wrote in my head were more like rants.  Rants about how horrible the disease is, how unfortunate I am because I have it, how I know it won't kill me but it causes me a lot of pain and the disfiguring effects are horrific, how I hate seeing people's hands who have it.  The list just goes on and on. 

The last time I went to my rheumatologist was back in September and he told me that he wanted to put me on a new (to me) medicine because my RA was becoming much more aggressive and he wanted to try and stop the joint destruction.  I was so miserable and in so much pain that at that point I was ready to try anything (except the TNF/biologic drugs), then he told me that I would have to prevent pregnancy.  That I would have to make sure that there was no way that I would become pregnant while I was on it.  I heard things like: "It is a Teratogen.  Fetal mortality.  Severe birth defects. End any accidental pregnancy. Long processes & more drugs to remove it from your system.  Monthly blood tests.  Liver tests."  Then he said, "But, you're a woman in your 40's.  Women in their 40's aren't usually looking to get pregnant."

Wait.  What?  In my 40's? At this point I was only a whopping 2 weeks into being 40!

So he wrote the script for me. 

I cried the whole way home.

I didn't know what to do.  What the right decision to make was.  I had always planned on being a mother.  It just hasn't happened yet.  My first marriage was bunk and there went five years down the drain, then there were my single-lady years which I heartily enjoyed. 

Then it happened. 

I found my Beloved. 

So here I am, at 40 & a newlywed.  A happy, blessed, content newlywed.  But still without a baby.  My beloved and I aren't trying and we're not not trying... we're just letting nature take its course.  However I didn't like the thought of precluding a baby.

I talked it over with my Beloved.  I talked it over with my mother.  With friends.

I decided not to fill the script. 

Fast forward to today - and at this point in time I am feeling good.  Like, really, really good.  As in for 12 days now not a single ache or pain.  No red, swollen joints.  No trying to figure out how to zip my pants or tie my shoes, wash my hair or start the ignition in the car.

I went to see him again last night and I told him that I hadn't been taking it.  That at this point in my life when there is the teeny-tiniest chance in the universe that I could maybe possibly still have a baby that I wasn't going to stop it.  He asked me what it is that I am taking that has me feeling ( RA wise) so good and I rattled off the 9 quadrillion supplements plus the three meds that I have been on for years and years.

But, now? Now I have a plan, a purpose for my blog.
So stay tuned for more tonight....