Friday, August 1, 2014

Not A Patient Patient

I am not patient.  Lazy, mostly, but not patient.  Once I decide something needs to/has to be done and I've envisioned the outcome, I have zero patience in the waiting for it to be done.  And the person I am least patient with is myself.  I have a goodly amount of patience with others just not myself.

I expect so much from myself and I'm often falling short on my expectations.

Rheumatoid Arthritis has really thrown a wrench in my plans.  I know when I'm feeling good I shouldn't over do it but I've got SO MUCH to do that I race around doing all that I can while I'm able before the rug is pulled out from underneath me.

The Humira was working great and things were looking up, I had Grand Plans for this summer.  And in June I noticed I started feeling progressively poorly for whole weeks at a time and I couldn't figure out why, I wasn't pushing myself too much, I wasn't stressed, blahblahblah.  I blew it off and excitedly prepared for Greece.

Eleven days into my trip the bottom fell out and I was progressively getting worse.  The flight home was torture and the two weeks following I was crippled.  I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything.

I went to the Rheumatologist and now have a diagnosis and a plan and hope.  I lose all sight of hope when I'm in the midst of a flare; when I can't imagine getting through the day let alone getting to 62?

I have, he believes, from my Humira, Drug Induced Lupus.  The plan is to change my TNF Inhibitor go on a big steroid burst and go back on Plaquenil.  I should be back to good in anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months depending on when my body stops freaking out over the Humira.

But, I am not patient.  I want to finally finish unpacking since we've only lived here for a YEAR! I want my vent hood that's been sitting on the pole barn floor put up.  I want the mop boards and quarter round done.  I want to paint the upstairs bedrooms.  I want to refinish the desk and chair in my bedroom.  I want to stop living in a half done house so I can enjoy it.

I want a picture perfect, magazine worthy house.  Yesterday.

But, I have to wait some more and it is driving me insane because, you know what, I've got things to do and I don't have the patience to wait.

Learn? Little green guy, I want patience now! And everything on my list done.