Friday, August 1, 2014
Not A Patient Patient
I am not patient. Lazy, mostly, but not patient. Once I decide something needs to/has to be done and I've envisioned the outcome, I have zero patience in the waiting for it to be done. And the person I am least patient with is myself. I have a goodly amount of patience with others just not myself.
I expect so much from myself and I'm often falling short on my expectations.
Rheumatoid Arthritis has really thrown a wrench in my plans. I know when I'm feeling good I shouldn't over do it but I've got SO MUCH to do that I race around doing all that I can while I'm able before the rug is pulled out from underneath me.
The Humira was working great and things were looking up, I had Grand Plans for this summer. And in June I noticed I started feeling progressively poorly for whole weeks at a time and I couldn't figure out why, I wasn't pushing myself too much, I wasn't stressed, blahblahblah. I blew it off and excitedly prepared for Greece.
Eleven days into my trip the bottom fell out and I was progressively getting worse. The flight home was torture and the two weeks following I was crippled. I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything.
I went to the Rheumatologist and now have a diagnosis and a plan and hope. I lose all sight of hope when I'm in the midst of a flare; when I can't imagine getting through the day let alone getting to 62?
I have, he believes, from my Humira, Drug Induced Lupus. The plan is to change my TNF Inhibitor go on a big steroid burst and go back on Plaquenil. I should be back to good in anywhere between 3 weeks to 6 months depending on when my body stops freaking out over the Humira.
But, I am not patient. I want to finally finish unpacking since we've only lived here for a YEAR! I want my vent hood that's been sitting on the pole barn floor put up. I want the mop boards and quarter round done. I want to paint the upstairs bedrooms. I want to refinish the desk and chair in my bedroom. I want to stop living in a half done house so I can enjoy it.
I want a picture perfect, magazine worthy house. Yesterday.
But, I have to wait some more and it is driving me insane because, you know what, I've got things to do and I don't have the patience to wait.
Learn? Little green guy, I want patience now! And everything on my list done.
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I'm praying for you, Pops. I hate, hate, hate when God decides it's time for a another round of "Let's help Cari understand that she's not in control". So while I can only imagine the physical pain aspect of your post, I do get the mental aspects.
ReplyDeleteGreece was beautiful ( though hot!) food was Devine, sights great! Spending time with my eldest daughter? Priceless!!!
ReplyDeleteAn anonymous comment from LJJ!
ReplyDelete2 things that help me practice my patience regularly, my children's impatience and my phone!
I love watching you redo your new home and you are many, many steps ahead of me and I have lived in my house for 9 years!
I can't wait to see and hear about your trip to Greece! Oh, wait was that not the right thing to say? I will be happy to learn of your trip when you have the appropriate amount of time, energy and good health to do so!
Hearts and hugs and mushy stuff, Laura